Here is what Mr Sherwin wrote:
The captain and his crew woke up and they could hear waves and they could see they were on a beach and they could see birds and they felt happy that the storm had gone and they felt unhappy that they were lost on an island.
And here is their improved writing:
Slowly, the captain and his weak crew began to wake up. They could see crystal clear waves slowly drifting onto the shore. "Where are we?" muttered the captain. It was then that they could see they were on a sandy, golden beach. Surprisingly, they could see colourful and beautiful birds pecking at the coconuts in the trees like there was no tomorrow and flying through the blue sky like aeroplanes. They felt joyful that the dark, cloudy storm had gone but they felt guilty that they were lost on a hot, desert island.
Well done!
No comments:
Post a Comment